doganjo
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I'm bored so here's a joke for youProbably you've heard it before but still funny I think!
The Three bears
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog
It was Mummy Bear who cleaned the cat's litter tray, AND gave them their food, and AND refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FU**ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'  
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Lin Dyke
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very funny, not heard that one before
Thanks for that Annie, needed a laugh, bit of a sad day at work. A colleague passed away yesterday. He'd been seriously ill for several months but it still hits hard 
PS He'd have loved the joke too 
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doganjo
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I liked it because it reminded me of my Mum - she used to tell Helen and I the story of the Three Bears - often requested bedtime story - but always in FRENCH! Just because she could!
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johnhod
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I understand her doing the rest but why is she looking after the cats before doing the porridge. If the cats didn't kill enough mice during the night to satisfy their hunger they deserve to wait.
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doganjo
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NOW you're splitting hairs, John! She probably went out and fed them first too! (the hares I mean) 
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doganjo
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Another oneA man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she would prefer him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ................................................................
So .......................................................................
I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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Lin Dyke
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Have to admit I didn't see it coming.
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johnhod
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A man walked into the police station to report that his wife was missing. The sergeant began writing up the case.
"How tall is she?"
"About so high, give or take a little."
"How much does she weigh?"
"About average, I suppose."
"Colour of eyes?"
"Maybe blue, I'm not too sure."
"Hair colour?"
"I don't know. It changes."
"What was she wearing?"
"I suppose she had a coat on but I’ve no idea what colour."
"Was she carrying anything?"
"Yeah, a dog on a lead."
"What kind of dog?"
"An orange and white Brittany, with hazel eyes, a perfect scissor bite and weighing 16.5 Kg. He is 49.5 cm high, has two black nails on his front right paw and one black nail of his left front paw. He was wearing a black webbing collar with a silver coloured, circular name tag and he answers to the name of Sam!"
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doganjo
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Great! Post that on the working forum if you haven't already! like it a lot! One for the newsletter too - send it to Gay!
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glynis
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G&F
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Jim
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Had to post this
A Trip to Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their laugh for the day.
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